True love to me is being woken up by my husband gathering me close. True love is having all my children a jumble of legs and arms, sleeping on my bedroom floor, just so they can be close to me. I can not remember a time in my life where I have ever doubted that I was loved, by someone. And in todays world that is a blessing. A REAL blessing.
I am a good mom. Not a making breakfast from scratch every morning kind of mom. But a mom who loves my children so much, that when they hurt I can feel it deep in my bones. I am a decent wife. I am NOT great. I love him, love him so much that in my sleep I will reach to touch him. His arm, back. Something, just to know that he is there. Still. Next to me. I am not wonderful. I get angry. I yell. I don't always make a healthy dinner, and I forget a lot. But there are things that are burned in my mind. Things that shout how much I love him. When I was pregnant, and SOUND asleep, and woke up in a panic, I KNEW something was wrong. I called his phone 15 times before the paramedic answered and said, yes, he was in an accident. But he would be ok. I knew. I felt something was wrong.
When Barbara was sick. I sat next to his dad, I held his hand while he filled out the paperwork for her to go to hospice. For us to give up the fight. I fought for them. Because I love them. I remember holding her hand and promising her that I would look after her baby boy. That I would love ALL of her boys. I would take care of them. I told her that I would be with her til the end. I wouldn't leave. I called funeral homes. I filled out paperwork at hospice because no one else could. I held her boys when they cried. I loved her. I don't remember who walked into the room and said she was gone. I just remember falling to my knees, with my head in my hands, and sobbing. It was a pain I had not felt since my Grandma died. I knew she was dying. I saw it. But seeing that she was gone. I couldn't stand it. Kevin's cousin Josh drove me home to get Kevin. He had gone home to sleep for work. I know he was thinking if he wasn't there she wouldn't leave. But she did. And I will never forget walking into our bedroom and watching him sleep. All I could think is he still thinks he has his mom. Once I wake him he won't. Ever again. I have to break his heart. I have to deliver the worst news no kid ever wants to hear. Its all on me. As soon as his sweet green eyes opened you could see the moment of realization. The moment he was processing it all. Then he just deflated. He knew it. No words had to be spoken. He knew she was gone. We all struggled. That was a hard year. I learned to love REALLY strong. I learned to love like you don't have tomorrow. Because you might not.
Then I had a stroke. I vowed to get healthy. I didn't. I told myself, I quit smoking, I NEVER drink alcohol. I shouldn't have to give up my food and coca-cola. I deserve them. A year almost to the day I had another stroke. Again I vowed to get healthy. And I did. For a month or so. Then I reverted back to my old ways. And here I am. 31 years old. Barb has been gone for 2 years in a few days. I haven't changed. I woke up to write all these things I remember and love about life. And instead it has hit me. If I don't change, MY girls will be cremating me. I may not make it through another stroke. I have to change. I love my husband, kids and family. But obviously I do not love myself. Because if I did, I wouldn't be the way I am. I wouldn't be 200 pounds overweight. I would be healthy and active. I need to learn to love myself, so I can be around longer and love my family even stronger.
